My favorite spam scams from 2017

We all get spam in our email inbox and they all try various tactics to get your attention above the thousands of others.
Here are some that caught my attention during 2017. (I have invented them out of whole cloth and paraphrased others so you will never actually see the ones I have listed below, but they could happen. Just like watching Ancient Aliens and saying to yourself - might happen, eh?):
• Urgent! Funds ready for deposit to your account!
Dear Sir, We have tried to reach you regarding your bank account deposit. We have been desperately attempting contact as Government of Abubu Dabi is depositing millions into accounts like yours that have been identified as being in need of such funds. Pardon any trouble, but please sir respond immediately with your bank information. We require your routing and account numbers and password to allow for timely deposit. The amount of deposit varies upon your needs and our ratio criteria paradigms. This is a time sensitive request and funds may no longer be available unless you hurry today! Send $717.50 to cover the cost of electronic fund transfers to: PO Box 666, Bank of Whichtaw, Abubu Dabi Account, Blue Skies, Arkansas.
• Bible secrets reveal path to riches!
Like millions of God-fearing Americans, reading the Bible is an everyday path to a better life spiritually, a way to get closer to Him, but did you know that same sacred text hides guidelines intended for the devout to become wealthy! Yes fellow Christians, Jews and Muslims who read the Good Book (and even heathens, Agnostics and Atheists) can now take advantage of Pastor Phil’s Deemed Holy Guide to Wealth as Prophesied in the King James Bible. For example, did you know that in the Book of Effesians there’s one special verse that’s worth thousands? Let Pastor Phil explain. This groundbreaking tome reveals what the hieroglyphics really mean if held in a certain light. Pastor Phil all but guarantees your financial wealth will grow by leaps and bounds if his interpretations of Holy Scripture are understood and followed up on using the special divining glass that comes along with this fabulous 111-page book Order your path to wealth and happiness today! Somewhere in the Bible it states the Lord sayeth to “help thineselves to the riches of the earth that I hath provided.” Just send $45.95 to the Biblical Wealth Institute, PO Box 666, Blue Skies, Arkansas.
• Need help establishing credit after unfortunate choices?
We all have suffered times in our lives when we just couldn’t pay our bills no matter how hard we try. Remember that time your wife said the mortgage was due and so you went on a three-day bender with the mail-lady in Vegas and came home with lipstick and booze on your shirt because you knew you had already blown the mortgage money on scratch-off tickets and too many hours at the Legion bar? Well now there’s help available to repair your irresponsible lifestyle. Just send $100 exactly, no more, no less, to Dr. Jimmie’s Credit Repair and Dr. J will immediately, upon the clearance of your check or money order, send you his credit card verified and solemnified by the Bank of Whichtaw. Yes friends, I, Dr. J, feel your pain and want to help. In fact I was telling my wife that I believe my calling in life it to fleece, er I mean free, the people from unwanted debts and bad credit reports by sending everyone my $100 credit card to help rebuild that thing we all must safeguard: Your good name. Send $100 today to the Bank of Whichtaw, PO Box 666, Blue Skies, Arkansas. (Cash accepted)
• Foot fungus? Get Fun-B-Gone today!
Millions of us suffer the embarrassment and social separation caused by foot fungus. A friend of mine served on submarines in the U.S. Navy for 20 years. That man gave his life to serve his country, but when he retired he had to admit this ravaging malady was destroying his love life. Enter Fun-B-Gone! This patented and most assuredly proprietary formulation was invented by that same aforementioned sailor who happens to be  - me! That’s right folks, I was the one whose first date ended in disaster once the shoes and socks came off. I had to do something. After all, I was flush with bank once I left the sea service. I had to do something with that small fortune burning a whole in my pocket - that meant I had to find a regular squeeze who knew how to take advantage of a man and his spare change, eh? That very night, alone and sobbing in my kitchen, I accidentally spilled some apple cider vinegar into my Jim Beem and voila! Just a 1/2 a bottle later I felt something funny down below - in my toes I mean. The foot fungus I had suffered with for so many years was disappearing right before my bloodshot eyes! I was finally free of that anchor I carried on my back throughout my Naval career. Friends, I want you to also experience the joy of disappearing fungi just like I did. Send $63.45 plus $17.55 for shipping and handling to: Sailor Jack’s Fun-B-Gone, PO Box 666, Blue Skies, Arkansas.
Happy New Year! Wishing you and yours plenty of Blue Skies in 2018!  ... and “let the farce be with you” me Hardees.   --Gary