Remember the old childhood schoolhouse game of telephone?

During a recent game of "telephone" played in a church workshop meant to explain problems with human communication, someone whispered in my ear that I had ED. I said to myself - Wow! I have Extraordinary Deception! When I exclaimed my delight at discovering my newfound gift out loud in church the next Sunday after the preacher asked for testimonials, more than a few heads turned my way.

Later on at coffee in the basement community room, a young professional spoke to me quietly out of the earshot of ol' spinster Hammerschlenkle, who was munching on a carrot cake nearby.

He explained to me that "ED around here means End of Democracy and you also must realize you are in a progressive community of like minded souls who truly believe in Democracy and progress. Don't you?"

He insinuated that I was a no-good conservative who hated both progress and Democracy.

An older fellow was listening in, although uninvited to do so, begged to differ and said, "No, that's not it. What ED means around here is End of Days. Armageddon is nearing the family of man. You can tell by the events of the last few months."

He was insinuating that I was obviously not a true believer and would be "left behind" upon the Rapture.

I was finally rescued by none other than Sharon Hammerschlenkle who heard every word of every speaker and had sympathy for me, playing as I did, the lowest deckhand on a ship of fools with captains forward and aft.

"Gary, I have a wasp's nest in my car, can you get it out so I can drive home?"

Of course I can help you. By the way, can you explain what ED means so I don't faux pas myself out of the congregation?

"Sure I can explain ED, but first get in the car and drive fast with the windows down," she said.
Well OK, but what's that all about?

"It is a way for me to explain to you that you actually have Event Depression and after just a mile or so you'll figure out that you are not an exterminator and should never have offered to have helped me."

But Sharon, I need a ride and an escape from these wise men. Besides you asked for my help.

"I just want you to drive me home. I am blind and that's why I was able to hear you guys so well, she said."

Sharon made me feel proud again. I was able to help the handicapped and justify my feeble existence. I never did ask her how she drove to  church in the first place. It was enough to know we were mutually beneficial.

Hey Sharon, I asked boldly, bracing myself for the cold hard truth, what does Event Depression mean?

"It's all about your situation in life," she said. The events of tomorrow are influenced by the events of yesterday, thus leading to whatever fate has in store for you. It is a series of events that will be certain to depress you because you have absolutely no say in the matter."

Sounds fatalistic Sharon. Does it count whether I am a registered Republican or Democrat?

"Look bud, when you go to the food trough at a buffet it all goes into the same pie hole. Need I say how that story ends?"
You mean that I voted for a Republican that was a Democrat, but it doesn't mean anything because it was a choice from a Chinese menu?

Yes, now you understand. Although you have eaten what you paid for, you are still not satisfied and you will be hungry for change again soon - real soon.

The progressive vegetarian preacher heard it all and simply said - "lettuce pray."