Buy American this holiday season

I urge all readers/shoppers to buy American made products this holiday season. And try to name your newborns something comprehensible too. But if you want to stand out in a crowd, if you want to run with the Black Lives Matter crowd, then …. yes folks, it’s hard to believe, but some NFL wannabee names are still available for use “back-on-the-block.” Now’s your chance to shine like Neon Deion and grab a moniker not known to science.
For instance there’s DeTritus Wrapper, DeNonymous Starr, Geronimo Proflactic, Colgate Palmolive, deKellogg Flake, TreyTable Platelet, Unanymous Funk, deGertrude Dutch, LaRoberto Pastagrits, Hugo Eyewent, Sheesh Kbobby and the classic, Rollove Baitoven.
It would be impossible to make this up, but I’m trying anyway. Many NFL players probably made it to the big leagues because they were either fighting the stigma of their names all their lives, which made them tough from birth, or they were showered with cool reverence, which gave them supreme confidence to achieve anything and so they did – per the American Dream.
Names can lead one to having a mind at the end of its tether if it’s too venomous or passive, too dark or too light. I was in a state between wake and sleep recently and had an epiphany: What name would a dog breeder give to a magic marker? … Shar-pei.
What do the French dog breeders call their magic markers? Shar-péi.
Now lettuce turn to prescription drugs. There is one being aggressively marketed now meant for bipolar depression called Latuda.
My name for that drug would be Latituda. The whole idea is to turn the bi-polar issue into the Tropic of Capricorn (Sounds better than Tropic of Cancer). I think any shrink would agree. The object, after all, is to lessen the extremes on the corner of frenzy and comatose. This all too often used street corner needs a crosswalk or a traffic light stuck on permanent yellow. 
Then there is this upsetting trend of denying reality by way of buying a vehicle to satiate desires only known to stallions and snakes. It is the wildly popular and testosterone filled pickup truck fad that has been going on for about … several decades or so.
To be gender fair, women are as much a part of this as their Red Bull-fueled men.
We are talking about de-Nile not being a river in Egypt, but the pure pining for truck power generating massive sales and, gas use … can we admit it brothers and sisters, the actual carrying and transporting of everything from aggregate to firewood to tailgators at a college homecoming is a blissful part of Americana.
It is also a mind staggering boon to the economy as automakers make greater profits on the easy to construct pickup trucks than regular cars and SUVs.
It is kinda funny though, to see so many macho, hemi-powered, diesel-fueled, big-wheel laden wannabe monster trucks running all over town, only to see them pull into their white collar jobs, bed empty, spending the rest of the day pushing paper and saying yes sir, no sir to the lady in heels in charge of the entire operation.
God has already blessed America more times than we can count. It is time to do something good with all those blessings.
What readers consider “good” is their own prerogative. It is another blessing and another reason to stand by your man, in this case Uncle Sam. That is the entire point of being American, eh? (Canadians are really American, but are in constant denial.)
As we enter this new phase of American history with the Presidential election next week, it is a time to consider your vote – who will lead us in the next four years? Who will be best for the American economy?
The Who was a British rock band that used to smash their instruments on stage. We don’t want that kind of who smashing the economy to bits.
Christmas and Hannukah are soon upon us so try to buy American made, or American assembled products for gift giving if you can, but they are hard to find.
Editor’s Note: This column was not made in China or anywhere else in Southeast Asia. Do not attempt to call customer service in order to hear an Indian accent as you will be disappointed. Besides, it is doubtful anyone in India can explain Hannukah or The Who or even what a monster truck is. You can, however, send comments on this vital slice of satirical rage via email: Be advised, any emails received will be treated as a Letter to the Editor and may be subjected to reprinting in a future NCW Media publication.


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