Crime is down, while profiteers exploit the masses

I have a friend in New York and another in New Orleans and another in Detroit. They all report that muggings are way down as criminals are wary of getting fined for violating social distancing rules.

Here is one scene as described to me via Skype, where an older lady was accosted by an unemployed knish* cart vendor in Manhattan.

Mugger: "Excuse me ma'am, may I have your purse?"

Muggee: "Why certainly young man. Would you also appreciate this diamond ring?"

Mugger: "Yes ma'am. Can I also obtain that neckless and those earrings as well?"

Muggee: "No problem," said the octogenarian as she advanced towards the thief.

Mugger: "Stop! Don't come any closer. You'll have to toss them to me. I don't want to get fined by that cop looking at us, afraid to get involved, as he has no personal protective equipment (PPE)."

Muggee: "Ok, but I throw like a girl."

Mugger: "I wasn't expecting Justin Verlander**, just don't throw me a curve."

And so it goes across the nation. Courtesy is back in style, crime is down, as few of the former muggers can carry on a conversation beyond, "Give me yo money!"

Even burglars, muggers and thieves are lowering their workload by staying home as the pawn shops they sell stolen goods to are closed. Now the most successful criminals must maintain an inventory of goods and have turned to hiring unemployed accountants and buying extra safes as their gun safes are full. (Despite tax season, many number crunchers can't survive with exclusively online services.)

Another subset of criminals, not normally counted in the monthly statistics, are flourishing. They are scam artists selling everything by phone and internet and taking credit card payments the same way. These thieves are lazier then the on-the-street types and prefer to ride their LazyBoys to wealth and happiness.

Here is one example: "Hello, this is PPE Express. Can I interest you in some slightly used personal protective equipment?"

Certainly. Can I get several dozen? "Yes, by all means. What is your credit card number?"

Needless to say, but I must say it anyway to fill this ludicrous column, the phone scammers never send the victim (aka "the mark") any PPE at all. Those that do send the PPE are shipping them overnight and charging triple the normal S&H (shipping and handling fees). When the PPE arrives, it is usually soggy with spittle and the zing has gone out of the little elastic bands that adhere them to one's face.

That's because they were used by nurses about 30 times before being discarded. Thieves are not afraid of dumpster diving to make a buck. This is just one example of a phone scam.

The internet is even worse because thieves just need a website to rake in the bucks. Millennials beware, though they think they are bulletproof. New evidence suggests that "youngsters" between 20 - 50 can get seriously ill, even die.

One such naive former day trader spent $10,000 from his credit card buying a direct shipment of toilet paper (TP) which he earmarked to be resold to the local grocery store for triple the price.

The aspiring entrepreneur (profiteer) received the bulk shipment direct from the factory, but it was single-ply and the bill was doubled, since he didn't read the fine print that stated: "Product and shipping prices are subject to "spot" costs plus 30%." He couldn't fight the charge and the company already had his credit card information.

He was just one of millions of would-be crooks declaring bankruptcy that month.

The grocery story did buy the TP, but refused to pay the asking price for single-ply.

He figured charging "spot" prices plus a little extra would work since that's what he did for gold and silver everyday.

Other profiteers, those who exploit customers by jacking up prices during a crisis, especially for needful commonly used products like TP, paper towels, bleach, alcohol (all types) and guns, are raking in huge margins or at least trying to. Many capitalistic democracies are not prosecuting these "white collar criminals" because they don't want to upset the private sector. Besides, these same companies are big donors to political campaigns.

Unfortunately, as of the writing of this article, all elections have been canceled and we are stuck with the "one we brought to the dance" - for the foreseeable future. It is a new government program meant for the "sustaining of democracy during crisis." We better get used to it since government programs, once started, are harder to get rid of than bad dreams or that song that just won't leave your head. "I've got friends in low places …."***

*An enveloped pastry-like snack concoction, usually filled with gently spiced mashed potatoes and served hot, often from rolling or stationary vending carts on big city sidewalks. Eaten by hand. Vendors are now out of business everywhere.

**A famous currently unemployed Major League Baseball pitcher. ***Garth Brooks