What Did Vlad Say to the Queen?

Picture this angle on what just happened in Helsinki: Our man "T" thinks he is still with the Queen of England having high "T" (it might have been low, but that's another story).

Three days later, Vlad sees this unbelievable zombie-like caricature of Trump as himself, sipping Tetley's from painted porcelain with this old lady, far richer in every way than he himself is, was or will ever be.

The Queen carries the qualities Don can only dream of and so he channels her spirit when he gets to meet Vlad.

He asks Vlad, "so what's this about the Crimea, old boy?"

"Nunya," laughs Czar 2018, "as in Nunya business Orange-Hair (He said this in Russian).

Don laughed too. "Hey Vlad, you wanna hear a joke?"

"But of course my raccoon-faced little boy," Vlad chirped to his amore.

Well Vlad, when my government wanted me to serve in that Asian mess back in the '60's I paid a few doctors and quickly developed bone spurs. Here's the funny part, it never stopped me from playing golf or womanizing," ha, ha, ha.

"You da man, Donald, no regulations stand in your way. Hey ya wanna catch the Bolshoi tonight in my private suite? I have a few super models just dying to meet you, Donny."

"Da" laughed Trump. ("yes" in Russian)

"Hey Vlad, I got another laugher. Next month I'm going on national television on Fox and Friends announcing that all of this time when I said the word "collusion" I really meant "contusion", ya know like a concussion.

I'm going to tell the world why I can no longer function as president and will therefore resign in favor of Vice President Mike Pence.

Remember, there was no collusion, it was a contusion all along. Yeah, that's what I really meant. Hey, can't a guy make a mistake here and there?

You know contusions on the head really mess people up.

Hey Fake News, I'm talking to you! Why didn't they take the servers. The servers Vlad, why didn't the FBI take the servers?"

"There, there Don, you know you still my boy, don't you?" Vlad said, trying to soothe him.

"Let me get you some power deep massage from Natasha. Yo Nat, Donny needs some of your deep muscle magic," Vlad commanded.

"Vlad," said The Don, "You're so good to me. One day I will repay you."

"You got dat right my little kindred spirit, I'm sure one day you vill."

Meanwhile, back in Buckingham Palace ... Your Highness, we have tried everything, but still can't remove that smell of entitlement most Americans have, from lingering in the royal tapestries.

"Egads, I will have to retire to one of my country homes near the sea so I can breathe properly," murmured the Queen.

"I'm afraid the nouveau riche can never get over the fact that money does not equate to credibility or dignity, but I guess they must keep trying to mimic royalty as is found in the States. Such will always be their lot in life," Queen-apparently-for-life Elizabeth despaired.

"Such will always be their lot in life."

"Helsinki? Helsinki? When was I in Scandinavia?" The Donald suddenly started awake after a long snooze on AF-Uno.

"Sir, you were just there (and it isn't part of Scandinavia)" thought the aid who never corrected his boss.

"Are we in Mar a Lago yet?"

"Sir, we are headed to a brief bit of work at the WH first (in order to roll back everything you ever said in the last week)," said the aid.

"Ok. I don't want to miss my 8 a.m. tee time with Vlad."

"Sir, Mr. Putin is not visiting until the fall (he really does have a contusion)," said the aid.

"Fall, yes, I had a great Fall. What year was that, oh yeah, when I tromped Hillary in the Electoral College. Boy, those were the days my friend, I thought they'd never end," Trump started whistling.

(Don't worry Mr. President. They have never ended) mused the aid, in silent vigil, holding a cold-wet towel on his Liege Lord's forehead.